“The main memory of my mother is her aggression, her undisguised hatred for life and for me.”
In Russia, girls who have survived orphanhood become mothers on average seven years earlier than their peers. At the same time, each of them dreams of becoming a good mom, despite the difficult circumstances of their past. We talked to the team and mentees of the “Spread Your Wings!” foundation to find out how the project to support young moms works.
Girls with an orphan background become mothers 7 years earlier than women who had a more privileged childhood. According to Rosstat, the average age of having a first child in Russia is 27 years. However, according to a study conducted by the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation among its beneficiaries, if a woman grew up in an orphanage or a dysfunctional family, the average age of having a first child is 20 years.
Becoming a good mother while dealing with severe childhood psychological traumas, a distorted understanding of family, numerous everyday problems, and a lack of support is an almost insurmountable challenge for a young woman. However, this does not mean that the young mother does not love her child. She does, and does a lot. She just needs help.
“The value of family for orphaned teenagers is immense”
“We turned our attention to a special target group — young mothers and pregnant girls with a history of orphanhood — in 2009, when we began to build a system of post-boarding support in regional social institutions (orphanages, colleges, social rehabilitation centers),” says Tatyana Nikushina, the Project Manager of the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation.
Teen pregnancies in orphanages are not a mass phenomenon, but quite common. The residents of the orphanage lack proper sexual education, and as a result, are unaware of the consequences of unprotected sex. They do not have a key caregiver with whom they can have a trusting conversation about plans, concerns, and ways to protect themselves. Without pocket money and free access to pharmacies, orphanage residents cannot purchase contraceptives even if they wish to.
“At the same time, the value of a family for orphaned teenagers is immense. Over 15 years, about 500 young mothers have participated in the Foundation’s programs, and I know for certain that the vast majority consider it unacceptable to give up their child. It is the other way around: girls deprived of parental care in childhood cultivate their motherhood. For them, not giving up their biological child is a huge personal victory,” continues Tatyana.
However, when raising a baby, most of these mothers face household and psychological challenges, which, in turn, can lead to the family ending up in crisis, being supervised by child protection authorities, and even to the removal of the child from the family.
“It is very important to note that the girls want to be good mothers, but they are lacking the experience of living in a friendly, strong family, so they face difficulties they cannot solve on their own, and often have no one to turn to for help. This is exactly why the “Important for Mom” project exists. The goal of the project is well-being in family life for people with a history of orphanhood.” 
“Important for Mom”
In 2021, the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation won the Stronger with CSS competition and received a grant of 5,000,000 rubles. The funds were allocated to gather successful practices of supporting young mothers accumulated over the years of the Foundation’s existence, to combine methodologies into the comprehensive “Important for Mom” program, and to implement it in five regions of Russia.
The “Important for Mom” project included the following:
- The School of Conscious Parenting — group and individual sessions for young mothers and pregnant girls.
- Children's developmental classes, financial literacy consultations, legal assistance, computer literacy lessons, provision of children's goods, assistance in resolving individual issues.
- Field trips.
The project involved 115 mothers and 185 children, and an interregional team of 24 specialists and volunteers was formed.
Young women with experience of being orphans and in need of support in motherhood were sought through local NGOs and post-orphanage support centers.
This way, Katya* (name changed) joined the project.
“This could have been the most terrifying event in my life, but for me, it became a liberation.”
Katya is from a destructive family. A month after her birth, her mother moved to live in another city. In her early years, Katya was raised by her grandmother. However, when the girl turned two, her biological mother unexpectedly returned, bringing for Katya a life filled with humiliation, physical punishment, neglect of her needs, many tears, and fear with her.
“Dad used to work on a rotational basis in those years, and he would be away from home for weeks. When he left, my mother tormented me. My most vivid childhood memory is this: It’s winter. The weather is freezing. I am standing knee-deep in a pile of snow, wearing a thin tank top and pants. My mother gave me a whipping and threw me out of the house because I couldn't find a sock for my younger sister,” says Katya.
“My little sister was born when I was six. From the very first day, all the caregiving responsibilities fell to me: preparing the formula, changing her clothes, washing her, putting her to bed. And our mother could simply leave for the whole night to go to the neighbors’ house, return in the morning, and sleep soundly until noon. The main memory of my mother is her aggression, her undisguised hatred for life and for me.”
At the age of seven, Katya’s mother left the family again.
“This could have been the most terrifying event in my life, but for me, it became a liberation. Soon, dad met a wonderful woman, got married, we moved, and I gained stepbrothers. In the new home, I saw for the first time what a strong family is, what parental love means, and how supportive relationships between adults can be.
Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 15, and I became an orphan. At 19, I met my future husband, and at 21, our son was born.”
Jenna Norman/ Unsplash
Relationships in the young family were complicated.
“We argued a lot, we couldn’t agree on solving common tasks at all. I often got upset with my husband and even ran away from home. When the child was born, everything turned much harder, and the misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other grew like a snowball. I started snapping at my son more and more often, his behavior drove me mad when he wouldn’t go to bed on time, or when he scattered food.”
With this background, Katya joined the “Important for Mom” project.
“The first thing I did was to stop yelling at my child.”
“The inability to resolve family conflicts is the most common concern among young mothers who grew up in dysfunctional families or have experienced orphanhood,” explains Maria Kudelina, a psychologist and curator of the “Important for Mom” project.
“This is due to the unprocessed psychological trauma experienced in childhood, so that in stressful situations Katya would revert to the time when the trauma was imprinted on her and react to conflict in the same way her biological mother once did. It is important to note the pattern: just like the mother was leaving the house, Katya started leaving as well.”
During individual sessions with a psychologist, Katya had the opportunity to process her childhood experiences, learn to control her emotions, recognize her self-worth, listen to her true desires, and replenish her inner resources, which she could later draw upon to support her son and husband. During group sessions at the School of Conscious Parenting, the psychologist discussed the stages of child development, the formation of attachment, parenting methods, and the importance of love, care, and trust.
“Changes in relationships occurred quite quickly. The first thing I did was stop yelling at my child. Previously, I acted according to the family script instilled in me. If I say something to a child and he doesn't listen, it means I should speak louder. Still not listening? I will yell at him.
And at the School, I learned that if you understand the child’s needs and meet them, then you won’t have to raise your voice,” Katya recalls.
“I started sharing with my husband what we had during the sessions, telling him about the individual consultations. At the School of Conscious Parenting, I learned to use ‘Me-statements’ and ask for help. It turned out that to solve most problems, you just need to voice them calmly and then discuss. By the way, my husband also attended a few sessions with Maria. So, the “Important for Mom” project made my family stronger, we literally reached a new level.”
“Self-care is not selfishness, but a resource”
Low self-esteem and lack of self-love are traits that unite young mothers who grew up as orphans.
“Another essential competency for every participant in the project is fostering self-worth.
In the sessions, I asked the participants to arrange their family members in order of importance. In this task, almost all the girls put themselves last. And when they found out that the mother can — and even should — come first, they were very surprised, sometimes even rejecting the idea.
Self-worth is perceived by girls as selfishness; it takes many consultations and sessions to convey the idea that only someone who is fulfilled has something to share. Self-care is not selfishness, but a resource,” explains Maria.
“We have made a huge leap in organizing and promoting approaches to support young mothers who grew up as orphans”
The “Important for Mom” project supported by CSS lasted one year. During that time, 300 participants (mothers and their children) from 43 localities in the Belgorod, Volgograd, Kaluga, Smolensk, and Tula regions were supported. Relationships with partners in orphanages, Social Rehabilitation Centers (SRCs), educational institutions, and NGOs were also strengthened. All the methodological materials for working with young mothers and pregnant women were given to colleagues. The Foundation maintains contact with colleagues and provides consultations when necessary.
“Thanks to CSS in 2022, we made a huge leap in organizing and promoting approaches to support young mothers with orphanhood experience. Partners and specialists actively use technologies in their daily work,” says the Project Manager of the Foundation, Tatyana Nikushina.
Today, Katya is raising a child in a prosperous and complete family. Her son is about to start kindergarten, and she plans to pursue a degree in education. The girl maintains a relationship with a psychologist and occasionally turns to Maria for advice.
In 2024, the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation conducted a new session of the School of Conscious Parenting. Katya has once again become a participant; now she is learning about raising preschool-aged children with great interest. And she shares her experience with young women who are just beginning to discover themselves not through the lens of their own troubled childhood, but through their strengths and immense capacity for love — enough for their husband, their child, and, most importantly, for themselves.
Nienke Burgers/ Unsplash
In Russia, girls who have survived orphanhood become mothers on average seven years earlier than their peers. At the same time, each of them dreams of becoming a good mom, despite the difficult circumstances of their past. We talked to the team and mentees of the “Spread Your Wings!” foundation to find out how the project to support young moms works.
Girls with an orphan background become mothers 7 years earlier than women who had a more privileged childhood. According to Rosstat, the average age of having a first child in Russia is 27 years. However, according to a study conducted by the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation among its beneficiaries, if a woman grew up in an orphanage or a dysfunctional family, the average age of having a first child is 20 years.
Becoming a good mother while dealing with severe childhood psychological traumas, a distorted understanding of family, numerous everyday problems, and a lack of support is an almost insurmountable challenge for a young woman. However, this does not mean that the young mother does not love her child. She does, and does a lot. She just needs help.
“The value of family for orphaned teenagers is immense”
“We turned our attention to a special target group — young mothers and pregnant girls with a history of orphanhood — in 2009, when we began to build a system of post-boarding support in regional social institutions (orphanages, colleges, social rehabilitation centers),” says Tatyana Nikushina, the Project Manager of the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation.
Teen pregnancies in orphanages are not a mass phenomenon, but quite common. The residents of the orphanage lack proper sexual education, and as a result, are unaware of the consequences of unprotected sex. They do not have a key caregiver with whom they can have a trusting conversation about plans, concerns, and ways to protect themselves. Without pocket money and free access to pharmacies, orphanage residents cannot purchase contraceptives even if they wish to.
“At the same time, the value of a family for orphaned teenagers is immense. Over 15 years, about 500 young mothers have participated in the Foundation’s programs, and I know for certain that the vast majority consider it unacceptable to give up their child. It is the other way around: girls deprived of parental care in childhood cultivate their motherhood. For them, not giving up their biological child is a huge personal victory,” continues Tatyana.
However, when raising a baby, most of these mothers face household and psychological challenges, which, in turn, can lead to the family ending up in crisis, being supervised by child protection authorities, and even to the removal of the child from the family.
“It is very important to note that the girls want to be good mothers, but they are lacking the experience of living in a friendly, strong family, so they face difficulties they cannot solve on their own, and often have no one to turn to for help. This is exactly why the “Important for Mom” project exists. The goal of the project is well-being in family life for people with a history of orphanhood.”
“Important for Mom”
In 2021, the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation won the Stronger with CSS competition and received a grant of 5,000,000 rubles. The funds were allocated to gather successful practices of supporting young mothers accumulated over the years of the Foundation’s existence, to combine methodologies into the comprehensive “Important for Mom” program, and to implement it in five regions of Russia.
The “Important for Mom” project included the following:
- The School of Conscious Parenting — group and individual sessions for young mothers and pregnant girls.
- Children's developmental classes, financial literacy consultations, legal assistance, computer literacy lessons, provision of children's goods, assistance in resolving individual issues.
- Field trips.
The project involved 115 mothers and 185 children, and an interregional team of 24 specialists and volunteers was formed.
Young women with experience of being orphans and in need of support in motherhood were sought through local NGOs and post-orphanage support centers.
This way, Katya* (name changed) joined the project.
“This could have been the most terrifying event in my life, but for me, it became a liberation.”
Katya is from a destructive family. A month after her birth, her mother moved to live in another city. In her early years, Katya was raised by her grandmother. However, when the girl turned two, her biological mother unexpectedly returned, bringing for Katya a life filled with humiliation, physical punishment, neglect of her needs, many tears, and fear with her.
“Dad used to work on a rotational basis in those years, and he would be away from home for weeks. When he left, my mother tormented me. My most vivid childhood memory is this: It’s winter. The weather is freezing. I am standing knee-deep in a pile of snow, wearing a thin tank top and pants. My mother gave me a whipping and threw me out of the house because I couldn't find a sock for my younger sister,” says Katya.
“My little sister was born when I was six. From the very first day, all the caregiving responsibilities fell to me: preparing the formula, changing her clothes, washing her, putting her to bed. And our mother could simply leave for the whole night to go to the neighbors’ house, return in the morning, and sleep soundly until noon. The main memory of my mother is her aggression, her undisguised hatred for life and for me.”
At the age of seven, Katya’s mother left the family again.
“This could have been the most terrifying event in my life, but for me, it became a liberation. Soon, dad met a wonderful woman, got married, we moved, and I gained stepbrothers. In the new home, I saw for the first time what a strong family is, what parental love means, and how supportive relationships between adults can be.
Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was 15, and I became an orphan. At 19, I met my future husband, and at 21, our son was born.”
Jenna Norman/ Unsplash
Relationships in the young family were complicated.
“We argued a lot, we couldn’t agree on solving common tasks at all. I often got upset with my husband and even ran away from home. When the child was born, everything turned much harder, and the misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other grew like a snowball. I started snapping at my son more and more often, his behavior drove me mad when he wouldn’t go to bed on time, or when he scattered food.”
With this background, Katya joined the “Important for Mom” project.
“The first thing I did was to stop yelling at my child.”
“The inability to resolve family conflicts is the most common concern among young mothers who grew up in dysfunctional families or have experienced orphanhood,” explains Maria Kudelina, a psychologist and curator of the “Important for Mom” project.
“This is due to the unprocessed psychological trauma experienced in childhood, so that in stressful situations Katya would revert to the time when the trauma was imprinted on her and react to conflict in the same way her biological mother once did. It is important to note the pattern: just like the mother was leaving the house, Katya started leaving as well.”
During individual sessions with a psychologist, Katya had the opportunity to process her childhood experiences, learn to control her emotions, recognize her self-worth, listen to her true desires, and replenish her inner resources, which she could later draw upon to support her son and husband. During group sessions at the School of Conscious Parenting, the psychologist discussed the stages of child development, the formation of attachment, parenting methods, and the importance of love, care, and trust.
“Changes in relationships occurred quite quickly. The first thing I did was stop yelling at my child. Previously, I acted according to the family script instilled in me. If I say something to a child and he doesn't listen, it means I should speak louder. Still not listening? I will yell at him.
And at the School, I learned that if you understand the child’s needs and meet them, then you won’t have to raise your voice,” Katya recalls.
“I started sharing with my husband what we had during the sessions, telling him about the individual consultations. At the School of Conscious Parenting, I learned to use ‘Me-statements’ and ask for help. It turned out that to solve most problems, you just need to voice them calmly and then discuss. By the way, my husband also attended a few sessions with Maria. So, the “Important for Mom” project made my family stronger, we literally reached a new level.”
“Self-care is not selfishness, but a resource”
Low self-esteem and lack of self-love are traits that unite young mothers who grew up as orphans.
“Another essential competency for every participant in the project is fostering self-worth.
In the sessions, I asked the participants to arrange their family members in order of importance. In this task, almost all the girls put themselves last. And when they found out that the mother can — and even should — come first, they were very surprised, sometimes even rejecting the idea.
Self-worth is perceived by girls as selfishness; it takes many consultations and sessions to convey the idea that only someone who is fulfilled has something to share. Self-care is not selfishness, but a resource,” explains Maria.
“We have made a huge leap in organizing and promoting approaches to support young mothers who grew up as orphans”
The “Important for Mom” project supported by CSS lasted one year. During that time, 300 participants (mothers and their children) from 43 localities in the Belgorod, Volgograd, Kaluga, Smolensk, and Tula regions were supported. Relationships with partners in orphanages, Social Rehabilitation Centers (SRCs), educational institutions, and NGOs were also strengthened. All the methodological materials for working with young mothers and pregnant women were given to colleagues. The Foundation maintains contact with colleagues and provides consultations when necessary.
“Thanks to CSS in 2022, we made a huge leap in organizing and promoting approaches to support young mothers with orphanhood experience. Partners and specialists actively use technologies in their daily work,” says the Project Manager of the Foundation, Tatyana Nikushina.
Today, Katya is raising a child in a prosperous and complete family. Her son is about to start kindergarten, and she plans to pursue a degree in education. The girl maintains a relationship with a psychologist and occasionally turns to Maria for advice.
In 2024, the “Spread Your Wings!” Foundation conducted a new session of the School of Conscious Parenting. Katya has once again become a participant; now she is learning about raising preschool-aged children with great interest. And she shares her experience with young women who are just beginning to discover themselves not through the lens of their own troubled childhood, but through their strengths and immense capacity for love — enough for their husband, their child, and, most importantly, for themselves.
Nienke Burgers/ Unsplash
